Leading a Double Life

In my double life, I am both the confident, out-spoken champion of the vulnerable and damaged — and also this person myself.

Many of us who have suffered abuse long to change the future for others.

We want to make concrete, actual change and often that means ensuring what happened to us, never happens to anyone again.

So we do what we can to use every skill and power we have to press for change. And I have the support and the environment and the security — three amazing privileges — to do so.

But then there’s this problem. We keep hearing stories that are infuriating, enraging, sick making, and familiar to us. We hear them over and over. I try to figure ways to streamline/ reduce this in a responsive way, but it’s hard. So over and over. Even just getting the email, and knowing there is a horrible story there…

Sometimes a particular story, or maybe just the tone and the quaver in the person’s voice, will feel really triggering. It’s usually not until a little after that that is apparent — I get absorbed in listening or trying to, and then later feel shaky, like there is an electrical current pulsing through my body, and everything feels suddenly impossible…

Then it’s pretty much forget the rest of the day. Minimum. It’s a real drag.

So how do we do this?

How should we balance our own needs with the absolute fury we feel watching history repeat itself over and over?

Any advice or ideas?